its like watching a crab with a limp the sound of yesterdays hits being played to the ever decreasing circle of not really giving a rats arse. wannabie music bloggers taking photos of their scran and asking is there any new music they should be writing about but cannot be bothered looking for themselves after all that is why labels employ pr firms to send out stale tired witterings of a press release which is ideal for copying and pasting with a link to the offending piece of product attached . its not the bands fault for they are the poor fuckers who live and breath for their art apart from the ones who don’t and just want a mention on the bbc by some drone of a dj who is just after fingering the pretty lead singer of some local new band wide eyed and hopefully wide legged a few minutes panting between them is all he asks for a promise of a session after all one session deserves another one to be listened to the other to be wiped as far as possible from the pretty lead singers mind . The picture of the scran is now gaining likes on his facebook page by band members hoping to like the photo of the food will be enough for the offending and offensive so called writer to cast some attention to the bands new lets call it shoegaze or psych or whatever is popular nowadays piece of well polished downloadable disposable fools gold of a t rack lets not call it a song as that would be pushing it to far. it would be stretching a point ,i know what point the local bbc dj would like to be stretching and who he would like to be helping to to achieve full length you play his 7 inch and he will play yours thats the way the cookie crumbles the way he rolls. Music blogger has added a picture of his pint it is gathering even more likes after all who does not like a picture of a pint on facebook especially a music bloggers pint that pint will be pissed out by a mighty man who will be able to give your band a push up the ladder a push into the arms of the local bbc dj he will be able to copy and paste a press release of yours and call it music journalism he will be able to get matey and wax lyrical about the great rock stars the Liam Gallaghers and others he knows he will like if he can ever get around to listening them on spotify if he needs to write about them there is google after all so what if he made Leonard Cohen’s obituary sound like he was a thinking mans Tom Jones it was google fault they should get people who know what they are writing about . he is getting bored now counting the likes of his pint is there anything else he can take a photo of is there anyone in the room who may make a happy selfie couple maybe he should have a dessert everybody loves a tart ,well the bbc local dj does then his mind starts to drift to his mighty music site and wonders is their any anniversaries of any lps released when did Radiohead release that strange lp nobody liked at the time that must be due a reavaluation he has not heard it but knows somebody who has he can get them to write about it .. shit that lp was released 19 years ago you cannot write about a lp unless it is 5/10/15/20/25/ it has to go up in fives it cannot be fucking 19 . never mind . he will have another pint then head off home to listen to the local bbc dj playing the introducing show maybe he will play someone he can google and write about or maybe he will just play bands he has introduced his cock to .
its like watching a crab limp – he really is a contempteous little fucker with his cunty beard and his holier than thou thought that he is the be all and end all of everything of the cities music scene if he does not like it ,it is not worth listening to. why on earth should he write about something if a record company is not involved to send him a huge box of chocolate bars to feed his ever growing fat face . He is not going to travel out of his own personal ego to some dead end town where they probably do not serve Lester Piggot flavoured Frappe or whatever is the current drinking want of the aging hipster . not that he is aging its just the world getting younger . His city is were it is happening this is the place to be this is where it is happening .apart from its not it is where it was happening over 30 years ago when the city was dying on its arse. when the air was filled with revolution when the city was holding aloft two fingers to the bigwigs from the capitol shouting screw you . fanzines filled the record shops that stunk of vinyl dust and magic ,the place were teenage dreams were hatched and futures were planned now it is swamped with nostalgia where every street corner has a statue of one of its many favourite sons ,favouriet sons who on the whole could not wait to get out of the place and weave their magic further afield. Not that he cares about that he is more of a Oasis man they really new how to carry a tune they changed his life they set him on the way to become the lack of the man that he is today a man who knows how to big himself up as the all powerful gnome all ironed checked shirt baggy jeans and and the personality of a stale fart .he once was featured on a local tv news report and was called a music journalist and if it is on tv it must be true .thats what he tells himself anyway as he lies in his bed alone at night wrapped tight in his quilt and self loathing.
it is like watching a crab with a limp he reaches for the pop phone it is glowing red it must be urgent a famous rock star must be dead he is the captain Marvel of rock journalism he is there to be admired he has the punk rock haircut the muscles the fine chiseled jawline previously only seen in DC COMICS he has a direct line to the head of all the radio tv stations whenever a dead rock star or cult personality dies he is there to unveil and to use his super powers to sprout the obvious and he does at every opportunity to the uncaring and unkowlegable general public. He was their first call when Bowie died it was he that told the early morning breakfast tv watchers that “it was a sad day for music”and “that he was really influential” and other such limp platitudes .
But he is a god other much frailer music writers bow down to the superior being ,lesser mortals do not have the power to reinvent the past and to take credit for discovering every major band of the last thirty years he says the only reason he did not discover Elvis was he was not yet born not everyone is Captain Marvel not everyone has his super powers to self promote even Doctor Loveless the former writer at Drowned In Shit is in awe of the colossus how the camera makes love to his face how the radio melts under his manly tones. how bands would love to feature in his mighty blog/magazine how they would love to be reviewed by him and have their guitar sound described as angular it would make everything worthwhile just a uttering from the mighty one the one they call Captain Marvel would swap every well written piece about their band just to have their music described as angular by Captain Marvel.
Its like watching a crab with a limp –
Boggy undresses the memories of yesterday as he casts his eyes to his phone screen as he loads a post on the local band page and wonders,how can one not be the obvious heir to the gap left in the leaden frump glory stake market by the demi gods that were Oasis , they wear the right clothes they are true lads they are not fey or poofy they drink pints and call each other mate and stare at girls arses when their girlfriends/wives are not looking they have marshall amps and write songs with a lack of wit or verve ,they really should be up their rockin Glastonbury to the core not playing at Punch Tarmys to a audience of pissed rugby fans who love it when they throw in Beatles songs as long as it is one of Johns and not that wimp Mcartney the big eyed cunt making music with melodies and invention he’s a right tosser.
Eight years ago they were being tipped for big things in the local paper they even had a photo ,looking cool and serious why is that bastard not playing them on the local bbc introducing show Boggy uploads a new song every 30 days sends the local bbc introducing Dj a message every now and again on facebook likes his posts even sends the occasional smiley face he can not just get his head around it they are better than that fucking scouse band with the singer with the big tits Local BBC introducing Dj plays them all the time.
Life just is not fair Boggy’s band gig all the time they play the pubs the working mens clubs.they get a good reaction mostly unless they are playing to cunts like the lanky streak of piss lead singer from that fucking strange underground cult band who get fucking played on the BBC and receive reviews from Captains Marvel#s blog and are considered as local legends that lanky streak of piss said he made us want him to saw off his dick and throw it at us just to relieve his boredom and to make us stop playing. he cam’t even be arsed tuning his guitar ..what a loser..
Life really is unfair maybe the next single will be the one its about mods and rockers done a video with motorbikes the guitars are top we look cool in the gear we bought from Liams shop i look top .boss , dogs bollocks .wish i could get a record label involved but they are just to deaf have they not heard of Oasis ..Boggy shakes his head sighing takes a swig from his can of lager gets up picks up his guitar thinks Nongo will be here in a bit to take them to soundcheck .should be a top night they will smash it as always .. but just why have we not made it ,it is enough to make you depressed but i am not gay enough for that.. tossers.
its like watching a crab limp – good old cunt face all leather trousers and mop top memories .he will look back of these days of being a small fish in a even smaller pond with a elastic smile and think those days were mint they were the days when i was young and played in a very average generic indie band that made Jake Bugg sound like Eddie Cochran a band so unoriginal we should have been called Werthers Unoriginal we really were a pile of old cack .thats what you should think but will think we were mint those girls loved us they would have loved their mouths be filled with our cum which i suppose is better than their ears being filled with their music.but who am i to judge you toured supporting a second rate brit pop stars 20 years after the event the kind of band old Chris Evans would play and is their anything more damning than that. am i being cruel well actually yes you are to thick to deserve such written carnage thick misguided poor young sod but you have your Fender Jag to cling to you have that and the knowledge that you rocked it you topped the bill at a local all day music festival ,you played your original unoriginal songs to a 100 or so pissed up locals who would not look out of place in a lynch mob in a 1940s Frankenstein film . you went into a studio and recorded a lp that never got released as you grew impatient and was slowly being ground down by the music industry lapped up and spat out young boys that thought they where the dogs bollocks when in fact you were just bollocks . as young people do you thew a strop announcing your split like one might announce they were closing their facebook page but you then realized that nobody really cared so you got back together and acted like you where doing your adoring prepubic public a favour i am holding my breath till you announce the date of the release of your much delayed debut lp . .. oh how i cannot wait i am sure it will be top.boss. mint. i am sure you will have smashed it i am sure absolute shit radio will love it that radio proper music [guitars only]will make it lp of the century and your head/ego will expand to such a extent that your mum will have to have a extension built … i wish you all the luck in the world .as you will need it as your music is a pile of wank.
It was like watching a crab limp – The all powerful gnome licks his lips this scran looks boss he thinks to himself .gets out his phone and points it at the plate . great scran .real bosster music and total hipsterswing surroundings boss bloody boss he does a silent belch and says to his pal average indie cabbage” this is fucking boss” average indie cabbage replies” boss fucking boss” the dynamic duo are enjoying the opening of the brand new venue in town the place were hipsters will hang and discuss the meaning of their pointless plastic make believe image of what their life is truly not the place were they will let their original 80s sony walkman hang from their pocket which will hold the latest cassette [blue] by Dormant Shadow the new all girl three piece who carry their love of xylophones to new and orgasmic heights.
“i am going to do a piece about this in TIT [This Is Top ,the largest and most important [although poorly written] blog in the North west of England]”boss idea” average indie cabbage replies whist shoving a fork full of sweetcorn jelly surprise into his mouth but spilling most down his Scooby Doo t shirt . The All powerful gnome laughs “thats not boss ,thats anti-boss”
“poor Scoobs” .
Captain Marvel holds court by the mirror fighting the urge to beat his chest in a Tarzan like manner everytime he catches a glimpse of his perfect reflection “this place ain’t half bad ,i am so pleased to have discovered this i am going to have to do a feature on this in Kalmer than Karma “[the largest and most influential blog in the North West Of England [although poorly written] . “i wonder what time the band is on”Captain Marvel says to the Local BBC Introducing DJ “anytime now i am just about to introduce them ” Local BBC Introducing replies whilst ushering Violet Witch onto the stage giving lead vocalist Violet a friendly tap on her behind and whispering in her ear “do you fancy a session ,will talk about it later”
Violet strums her jazzmaster guitar and launches into perfect indie jangle “boss ” The All Powerful gnome and average indie cabbage chime together , will have to do a piece on how i discovered Violet Witch thinks Captain Marvel “nice arse” whispers Local BBC Introducing Dj
ts like watching a crab with a limp – vinyl reviewer snob .looks at his slim pickens the postman has brought today . its a tragedy how he very rarely gets sent anything decent just bloody soundcloud streaming links and download links . how can one listen to music on a laptop ,he has a multifunctional record player that cost him three quarters of a million pounds to buy it has all the magic music possesses trapped into the speakers one could hear a pin drop on ,one of his major regrets that nobody has yet dropped a pin in a recording studio if one had he would surely have heard it on his speakers.
it is the way of the world now that music cannot live up to his three quarter of a million pounds music center , he remembers the good old days when record labels were run by gentlemen not these days though they have all the class of a missed oppotunity of a shag in a back entry with a once average looking girl called Sian who let life among many other things get on top of her. He cannot remember the last time he got sent a box set to review or even a re-release of a old Pink Floyd album with extra tracks and sleeve notes one can read and ignore the dull backwater slush of Floyds over stretched ego take flight and come landing down in the living rooms of the now wealthy hippy as no-one else could afford the price of the reissured vinyl double [lets call it a box set as we will give it a ltd number] ,he would be happy with a Gerry Rafferty Flexi these days but nothing .His reviews once meant something they were the crowning glory of many a prog band release those days before punk came along and offered the lie that it was ok to come from a council estate and make music . Those were the days if you wanted to know about music you would have to read a music publication one that left print on your fingers and smelt of adventure and dreams. the writers like himself had to know about music and have a love and passion for the artfom now any chancing joker can start a music blog and call it TiT [THIS IS TOP] and take photos of ones food and post it on social media as a byline to the latest release he has been paid to feature in his blog.Vinyl reviewer snob looks at his mighty collection of vinyl lps this is what matters rows and rows of lps all alphabetically filed two copies of each one for playing the other for looking at ,thats how it should be ,he feels sorry for bands of today who cannot afford a vinyl release the music might be great [although it never is last new band he enjoyed was Marillion].but he will never own it it will never be part of his mighty vinyl and begrudgingly cd collection [kept in a another room out of sight],these bands of today expecting people to pay for downloads it costs them nothing [rehearsal rooms ,recording studios. musical instruments. equipment .van hire .petrol ]how good can it be if they are not signed to a record label . not worth his time not worth the wearage of his hundred thousand pound stylus. .. how he longs for those days of ink on your fingers and when they new how to make a concept album.
Its like watching a crab with a limp Lanky middle aged cult band poet walks around slum town soaking up its lack of atmosphere killing time before it is time to spend another morning at work were he will daydream of one day being able to make some money out of this music lark , his music publisher jokes it is only a matter of time that he will be discovered and proclaimed the songwriting genius he is in no doubt is only problem being he will either be dead or too senile to care. Music publisher only half joking suggested that he does not try and record his new lp on a old electric kettle with frayed lead and try using a studio with a producer and everything. of course offering this suggestion only in semi jest brings it all home to him just how little hope he has of ever competing in this day of sparkle and shine blandness were the urge to try something different is frowned opon were the urge of artistic integrity is seen as self sabotage as willfully not wanting to succeed , when in fact Lanky middle aged cult band poet wants to succeed with a passion he longs to turn on the radio and hear one of his songs limping out of the radio like a old three legged dog with a strange charm that even the hardest of hearts could not fall in love with . he wants to succeed but on his terms .he does not want to have to agree with the boss brigade at top music blog in the Northwest TIT [This Is Top] or like one of the All Powerful Gnomes facebook pictures of some boss scran to curry favour[even if it is not curry] from the all consuming one [he consumes all boss scran] to get a write up [no matter how badly written ].Deep down he knows he has done himself no favours with his cult forthright views telling local BBC introducing DJ that he played and talked shit was no great career move if he had big tits and a vagina and thirty years younger he may have gotten away with it Local BBC Introducing dj likes his young women to talk dirty to him. Lanky Cult Band Poet looks at his phone ,it is time to stop the wandering around Slum Town avoiding stepping on the homeless in the doorway to the luxury flats that few can afford and those who can do not want to live in and head into work were the serious business of daydreaming can begin.
its like watching a crab with a limp – you sometimes do not know the pain the other person is feeling so you sit and watch the cabbaged light sore fly into the fading darkness of a non known beauty scab a picked pleasure of no-one’s enticement . just s sure fly prize guy way of looking at things so Argos Wank fingers his keyboard as he attempts to play along with teenage you tube girl as she strums her Christmas acoustic guitar ,how is she not a star thinks Argos Wank she is beautiful she has pert little tits and a smile he would love to wake up to every morning he loves it when she covers” Get Lucky” if only he thinks.
Argos Wank is not a peadophile he just comes across as one, he may be in his late 50’s but he knows a thing or to about music he appreciates a pretty face and a pretty voice how he would love to start his own record label he would not just release his own prog dance easy listening crossover music . but also music of the young you tube starlets he both comes and cums across he would call his label Sticky Keyboard and release music on all the platforms all the download and streaming sites would feature his you tube crushes , maybe he could produce and arrange their music become the modern day Phil Spector or Joe Meek he has his own bedroom studio and knows a thing or two about production he produces his own music after all . he has his savings he took early retirement from teaching music in that girls convent school after there was that misunderstanding with one of the six formers . Just how hard can it be starting a record label he needs to give something back to music .there is just to much talent not getting the attention they deserve and he is ready to give them the attention they deserve ..fuck it he thinks i am going to start Sticky Keyboard records . as he reaches for another mansize tissue.
its like watching a crab limp – it was a slim birched tongue witness that delighted in the beauty of her second song, all unwrapped kisses and forgotten fairytails wrapped in the bubblegum wrapper of mystic flake bliss . She was there to entertain to sing the songs that make her life worth living to bring the curtain down on all the saddness in her life . Her memories both haunt and taunt her twist her so badly that she has trouble sleeping at night . how she wishes she could ask him one last time what was it like what was it like to being love with the prettiest girl the girl one day he would marry or thought he would marry ,but she put paid to that falling for the rock n roll rebel part James Dean part Sid Vicious , he played bass in the Lost Rats the then up and coming psychobilly goth outfit from The Pool Of Life but that was so long ago now he has not been part of her life since he ran off with Plane Jane the girl with bingo wings .how she hated the both of them .and how she regretted treating the lanky cult poet the way she did ,he was such a beautiful soul with the talent to both amuse and delight she has never stopped loving him but she fell in love with someone else who she thought was a better bet someone who could offer her all the rock n roll excitement a girl could want, all lanky cult poet could offer was the shy smile and inner warmth only a man who worshipped the ground she walked on could offer ,what a fool she was . she still occasionally sees him and when she does she misses those late teen years of being in love with the most handsome man she ever set eyes on , and how she hoped she caught all the wayward feelings of torture and bliss in her second song “oh You Sexy Cunt you “